Red Eye

Red EyeI had heard Red Eye was a refreshingly unpretentious thriller that played on Americans’ changed relationship with air travel in a post 9/11 world. While technically true, it’s actually a very disappointing runaround decidedly lacking in the most routine pleasures that come with thrillers. Where’s the expected third-act twist? Is the twist that there actually isn’t one?

Daily Dork Report for January 25, 2006

Woody Allen’s Match Point plays with your sympathies

Match PointWoody Allen’s Match Point is fantastic. Brilliant. Morally complex. Almost unbearably intense. It plays with your sympathies in way I haven’t seen since Hitchcock’s Frenzy (which I personally found cruel and sadistic, unlike Match Point).

Manhattan

ManhattanAmazingly, upon a second viewing I didn’t care for Woody Allen’s Manhattan nearly as much as I remembered. Perhaps its status in the canon has retroactively enhanced my opinion. But it still inspires as a big, fat, sloppy kiss to my city, and a poster of Woody & Diane beneath the Brooklyn Bridge hangs on my wall.

King Kong (1976)

King KongAbout the only saving graces of this piece of gorilla dung are: A) Jessica Lange actually does a pretty good Marilyn Monroe, and B) Seeing the movie now provides some unintentional emotional oomph: Kong is actually drawn into Manhattan by the primal lure of the World Trade Center.

Whose idea was it for Kong to walk upright? Would it have been too much work for the guy in the suit to hunch over and drag his knuckles a little? And he throws like a girl.

The New World

The New WorldWhy didn’t I know better? Although I stand apart from nearly all (it seems) critics and fellow cineastes, I hated Terrence Malick’s Badlands, Days of Heaven, and Thin Red Line. And The New World is, of course, more of the same. The problem isn’t necessarily the pacing, although it is indeed punishingly slow. It’s partly the storytelling technique of mumbled interior monologues of inarticulate characters grappling with giant issues beyond their comprehension, in voiceover over admittedly gorgeous nature photography.

Sample sequence from Thin Red Line: shot of stream running over eroded boulder. US Grunt: “Why… are… we… KILLIN’… each udder… in duh jungle…?” Shot of pelican. Repeat.

And this was a screening of The New World DIRECTOR’S CUT, with TWENTY additional minutes! Arrrrrgh.

Nine Songs

9 SongsExplicit in more ways than one: surprisingly, the theme is pretty much spelled out in voiceover in the first sequence. A man reflects on a past relationship in terms of concerts they went to together and the arc of their sexual life. I can only speak for myself, but those are exactly the kinds of mental landmarks that mark my past relationships.

Fantastic Four

Fantastic FourDid they learn nothing from Spider-Man 2, clearly the pinnacle of the superhero genre (and I will fight a Marvel Team-Up with anybody that dares disagree with me)? FF is an aggressively stupid series of one missed opportunity after another. It just narrowly escapes one star by making me laugh a handful of times.

And another thing. Jessica Alba’s glasses don’t help her pull off a line like “The space cloud has fundamentally altered our DNA!”

Spam Poem No. 3: “General Flood”

General Flood

thank god I’m back now
Important question
did you hear about this
general flood

you won’t believe this
bereavement
entering the line of
populations if left

after flooding is
it, Will it work out?
conditions will be
hard as nails

A spell by ballistics
shrewd may aim some
hey girl gunfight uproarious
Ten Minutes to Your Life

if we’d had the time
Save your house
Get what you need
plays on the small

Only in New York, Pt. II

INT. COFFEE SHOP – DAY

Crowded Upper East Side coffee shop. A older male patron enters and approaches a hipster with a laptop.

PATRON:
Excuse me, is this seat taken?

HIPSTER:
Uh, my friend is coming…

PATRON:
Well, don’t worry, I have a small ass which doesn’t take up too much room.

And… scene.

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