The 9 Worst Movies I Saw in 2007

Just like Eliz­a­beth: The Golden Age and Before Sun­set, it’s the sequel that no one asked for! After the warm fuzzies of yesterday’s list of the Best Movies I Saw in 2007, it’s time for a lit­tle mean­spir­ited snark.

I might be com­mit­ting pro­fes­sional sui­cide for pub­lish­ing this list, for five out of nine of these movies may or may not have some­thing in com­mon (a some­thing which could lead to the afore­men­tioned pro­fes­sional sui­cide if revealed). So with a lit­tle judi­cious self-censorship, onward!


[NAME OF LATIN POP STAR BIOPIC WITHHELD]
A new low in prob­a­bly my most-hated film genre: the musi­cal biopic. Once again, the life story of an impor­tant musi­cian is told by film­mak­ers who obvi­ously don’t care about the music and would much rather tell a story about drug addic­tion (and not only that, the same drug story every time: q.v. Bird, Ray, Walk the Line, etc.). Bladder-bustingly long, ama­teur­ishly over-edited, and the osten­si­ble lead [name of hollow-cheeked latin pop star with­held] is shoved aside by [name of latina pop star famous for mag­nif­i­cent glu­teus max­imus with­held] as she tries to make it her story.


Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.jpg

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SIVER SURFER
Fan­tas­tic Four 2 some­how man­ages to be bet­ter than the orig­i­nal in many ways, and yet less funny (the orig­i­nal at least had humor on its side). Who cast Mr. White­bread as Dr. Vic­tor Von Doom, the East­ern Euro­pean dic­ta­tor of Latveria?


[NAME OF FIRST-INSTALLMENT-IN-PROJECTED-FANTASY-FRANCHISE WITHHELD]
The fan­tasy genre leaves me cold, so it was a minor mir­a­cle that Peter Jack­son, Fran Walsh, and Philippa Boyens made three Lord of the Rings movies that could turn genre grumps like me into fans of elves, dwarves, and wiz­ards. [name of movie com­pany with­held] tried to recap­ture the magic with [name of first-installment-in-projected-fantasy-franchise with­held], but for­got the magic. Humor­less, self-serious, and waste­fully expen­sive, [name of first-installment-in-projected-fantasy-franchise with­held] is full of awk­ward shifts in tone (for a more kid-friendly movie than Lord of the Rings, it turns shock­ingly vio­lent at one point) and spu­ri­ous plot twists (the most annoy­ing instance being when the king of all [name of large white arc­tic mam­mal with­held] pledges his life to a [name of annoy­ing lit­tle girl with­held] with no evi­dence that she’s any­thing special).


[NAME OF WOEFUL TIME-TRAVELLING ECOLOGICAL PARABLE / OSTENSIBLE CHILDREN’S FILM WITHHELD]
I pity the chil­dren for whom this will be one of their ear­li­est moviego­ing expe­ri­ences. My gen­er­a­tion had E.T. and Time Ban­dits. This one gets… lame Depart­ment of Home­land Secu­rity cri­tiques and Intel-Inside bun­nies? Oh, and let’s not for­get the hor­rific song by [name of psy­che­delic rock dinosaur with­held]… could this be the man that cowrote [name of fifth best sell­ing album of all time withheld]?


[NAME OF NUMEROLOGY-THEMED THRILLER WITHHELD]
A premise that could have been fun if not treated with such grim self-seriousness. Wannabe thriller direc­tors would do well to remem­ber that even Se7en and Memento had a lit­tle wit. Memo to [name of rubber-faced & for­merly over­paid actor with­held]: you proved you could branch out into dra­matic roles that still played to your com­edy skills in [name of under­rated movie directed by Peter Weir with­held] and [name of mas­ter­piece directed by Michel Gondry with­held]. How about some more of that, please?


Resident Evil: Extinction

RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION
Not much I can say about this one. It’s on this list because I saw it and it’s bad, but I didn’t really get worked up over its bad­ness as much as these oth­ers. The setup is actu­ally not that bad, at least until the zom­bies attack… and attack… and attack.


[NAME OF MEAN-SPIRITED ACTION FLICK APPARENTLY WRITTEN BY COMMITTEE OF 12-YEAR-OLD-BOYS WITHHELD]
Porn for NRA-joining latent psy­chos who applaud when movie heroes shoot peo­ple. What on earth were [name of actor that report­edly turned down [name of famous fic­tional British spy fran­chise with­held] with­held] and [name of rightly revered char­ac­ter actor with­held] think­ing when they signed on for this? Hot Fuzz is every­thing that this piece of shit is not.


Spider-Man 3

SPIDER-MAN 3
It pains me to list this movie here more than any other. Spider-Man 2 was one of my favorite movies in recent years, and I fre­quently rant to friends about how it’s a paragon of what Hol­ly­wood ought to be doing: like Lord of the Rings, it’s a mass-market genre enter­tain­ment that thrills, enter­tains, and moves. So this mess of a sequel depressed me all out of pro­por­tion to its only mere badness.


Transformers movie poster

TRANSFORMERS
Funny enough, it’s a pretty enter­tain­ing movie until the epony­mous robots show up and start speak­ing, and shortly there­after, fight­ing. Then it some­how becomes pun­ish­ingly stu­pid, and con­sid­er­ably less fun.


Com­ing up next: The 10 Most Dis­ap­point­ing Movies I saw in 2007!

Fantastic Four

Fantastic Four movie poster

 

Did they learn noth­ing from Spider-Man 2, clearly the pin­na­cle of the super­hero genre (and I will fight a Mar­vel Team-Up with any­body that dares dis­agree with me)? FF is an aggres­sively stu­pid series of one missed oppor­tu­nity after another. It just nar­rowly escapes one star by mak­ing me laugh a hand­ful of times.

And another thing. Jes­sica Alba does noth­ing for me. I see hot­ter women every 10 sec­onds just walk­ing down the street here in NYC. She just has an uncom­monly small waist! But even wear­ing glasses couldn’t help her pull off a line like “The space cloud has fun­da­men­tally altered our DNA!”