Exclusive! The Expendables 3 Poster

Carter. Grier. Hamilton. Jolie. Jovovich. Thurman. Weaver. Yeoh. The Expendables 3 movie poster

Com­ing sum­mer 2014 — The Expend­ables 3! Star­ring Lyn­da Carter, Pam Gri­er, Lin­da Hamil­ton, Angeli­na Jolie, Mil­la Jovovich, Uma Thur­man, Sigour­ney Weaver, and Michelle Yeoh.

This movie does not exist, but should. Hol­ly­wood, call me.

Alexander

Alexander movie poster

 

Ugh. I should have lis­tened to the myr­i­ad crit­ics and friends who warned me off this one… it is indeed quite bad. Every­thing you’ve heard is true: impos­si­bly long, unin­tel­li­gi­bly edit­ed (can any­one explain to me Alexander’s sup­pos­ed­ly bril­liant scheme in the first bat­tle? Run­ning away and com­ing back will allow greater access to strike the ene­my king exact­ly how?), and schiz­o­phrenic with regards to its sex­u­al pol­i­tics. So Alexan­der was bisex­u­al, fine. But in this day and age, doing any­thing to avoid show­ing an onscreen kiss just calls atten­tion to itself. Two pret­ty men gaz­ing at each oth­er and say­ing things like “By Zeus’ beard, you are indeed a great man” is just com­i­cal.

And most amus­ing­ly: if accents are to be judged, Angeli­na Jolie’s char­ac­ter hails from Tran­syl­va­nia, and Alexan­der and his father came to Greece by way of down the pub. In fact, the kid who plays the young Alexan­der sounds more Irish than Col­in Far­rel him­self!

I rent­ed the director’s cut, which bucks the trend in actu­al­ly being short­er than the the­atri­cal ver­sion (the only oth­er direc­tor I know of to do this is Stan­ley Kubrick, who would often con­tin­ue to abridge films even dur­ing release). At 3 hours, 55 min­utes, I am quite glad I didn’t decide to go with the the­atri­cal ver­sion.

What was good about it? Angeli­na Jolie is always a plea­sure to watch — an old-school movie star in the sense that her pres­ence and beau­ty are so over­pow­er­ing that she might as well be from anoth­er plan­et. I’ve always thought Val Kilmer was a fine actor (espe­cial­ly in the under­rat­ed Spar­tan). And in a supris­ing­ly plain-look­ing movie for Stone, it’s a great relief when he final­ly cuts loose in the sur­re­al, lit­er­al­ly blood-soaked sequence of Alexander’s near-fatal wound­ing in India.